Saying Hello

I like to think that I make a difference.
I'm not sure where or for whom, but I just want to make someone's life better. I may sound more than a bit naive, but I really believe that I can change someone's life.

I wonder if anyone truly understands how much power we truly hold.
I think that the smallest decision can make or break someone's future.

I wanted to help. I wanted to help everyone.

I started simply with a smile and a "Hello."

Saying Goodnight

I can see myself lying in bed. Still, and lifeless.
I look peaceful, like I've finally done the one thing that I've always planned on. I finally followed through with a plan.
On both of my arms is the word Worthless in bold black. On the wall behind me, in my own hand, the words, "I am not perfect," are scrawled on the wall in large messy black letters. I can envision myself writing them on the wall in big black sharpie, trying my best to let the words be a metaphor of of my own repulsing imperfection.
Then I take a small piece of paper, just a notebook paper from an unfinished homework assignment, and I tear it in half and write on the blank half.
I have a safety pin ready and I pin my two word note to my shirt, turn on some of my favorite music to comfort myself, and lay in bed. I take a moment to just breathe and try to see myself through someone else's eyes as they open my bedroom door and take in the sight of me. I selfishly revel in the terrible beauty of it all as I grab the pills from my nightstand and pour handful after handful into my mouth.
I sigh with relief as I feel sleep creeping in on me from my lower back. I check the note that I pinned to my shirt and start to cry. I read the note aloud over and over until I can't stay awake any longer.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

Telling someone they're worthless, that they will go nowhere in life, and that they are nothing but a failure will never end well.
I had never hated anyone. Not until I hated myself.

I stare in the mirror angrily. I ask myself question after question, "Why? Why was I given you? Why am I a monster? Why don't I mean anything?"

So then I started to plan.
Don't act like I'm selfish, or stupid, or that I didn't ask for help.
I was so happy, so sure... before I became what I am.
I called for help at every turning moment and I was ignored. No one ever believed me. I loved them all so much and I didn't want to hurt them and I... I wanted to get better. I wanted to be happy again.
But I just can't take it anymore.

Goodnight. I love you and I'm sorry, but sleep is all that I have left.